You know, I never really meant for my infertility to follow me here, I originally thought that by moving to a new home, having a new blog and a new name, that it would be enough for me to let it go. Naïve maybe, or perhaps just a desperate need to feel like that broken part of me could be left behind, that by making the decision to move forward I could let it go.
Turns out I was wrong, the first 6 months here I floundered, I struggled to find my voice, my blog posts felt unnatural as I tried to force myself into a new mould. Then one day I realised that I’d been going about things all wrong, that part of my voice comes from that pain, that while I had outgrown the place where I wrote of the anguish and needed somewhere I could also share the joy, I also needed to accept that the pain was part of my journey.
That’s not an easy thing to do and the thing I struggle to accept the most is that our decision to stop was a choice. We have options and those options are ones that would lead us to having another biological child. For us it’s not a matter of can’t have more kids, we don’t need surrogacy, we don’t need donor eggs or sperm, we don’t want to adopt and in reality it’s just a numbers game for us – the right combination of drugs and whole lot of luck… Because, no matter what the doctors tell you, it all comes down to luck – amazing isn’t it, science can create life but they can’t force it to stick around.
Luck, it’s a big slap in the face to a person without faith.
Our decision to stop came out of a slow decent into an emotional wasteland, every cycle and every little death taking it’s toll, our children, our maybe babies, some dying in a petri dish, some in my body and some even strong enough to pump just enough hormone to trick us into hope. The decision came from hurt, from exhaustion but mostly it came from Dexter, from watching him pick up a colouring pen, from hearing my (then) darling two year old who I thought I’d been so careful to be away from during the many injections say, as he pressed that pen to his abdomen, that he was being like mummy.
I stopped because of him, because we have him and surely he is more important than any of the maybes, he is here and he is present and he deserves the best of me. He never deserved to witness the emotional devastation we went through, he should never have seen me sob so hard that he thought I was laughing and joined in. I stopped because the journey was for him, so he could have a sibling and he was missing out on me, missing out on a whole and present mummy. I stopped for him.
I don’t regret it.
Oh don’t get me wrong, I hurt like hell some days, I rage at the unfairness of life constantly and I would love for things to be different, I hurt most on the days when he asks why he doesn’t have a sister or brother, I ache when I see people who don’t appreciate the gift they’ve been given but then I have days like today when he sings this song to me (totally stolen from a Hi5 episode but with his own twist) as we cuddle before bed and I know I did the right thing.
I’ll care for you,
Watch over you,
Forever.
We are a family,
Dexter, Mummy, Daddy,
Together.”
This photo is a year old but I was too lazy to try and find a more recent one of the three of us.
We stopped for him and it hurts, it’s taking time to heal but we don’t regret it.
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Love what you are saying here. I’m in a very similar situation. It’s difficult to know when to give up. And whether to concentrate all time, effort and money into the one little miracle life you do have. Thanks got sharing this. Jo
Thanks Jo, it wasn’t an easy place to get to, that was for sure and some days I think we’ll have one final try. For now though I’m just trying to be happy with where we are. I hope you get your miracle and don’t have to give up.
Sweetheart, there could be NO better or greater reason to stop than for Dexter. It will hurt, perhaps it will always hurt just that little bit and on those days, hold Dexter, breath him in, smother him in kisses and I promise, he will ease that hurt.
Love ya guts
xxxxx
Rach aka Stinkb0mb recently posted..The Hardest Love.
Thanks lovely. It’s getting easier, slowly but surely it is easier. xx
I just cant imagine this feeling. Thank you for sharing as I think it helps to know how other people feel and how we can help.
He is a gorgeous boy, and that song is just perfect.
Annaleis
Annaleis from Teapots and Tractors recently posted..20 Opportunities to Say "You’re Terrific" at Home
Thanks Annaleis, it’s certainly one of those situations which isn’t talked about enough, a lot of couples, even those who get pregnant easily the first time struggle to have another child and the assumption (even from ourselves) is that if you have one the others should be easier to come by.
He is adorable, we are very blessed.
Wow what an honest heartfelt blog..
I cannot imagine the pain that you have gone through, I can only imagine finding the joy you have in your little man. Thank you for your honesty, for opening up to all of us.. Big hugs from one Mummy to another xoxo
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Thanks Lami xx
What a beautiful post! I haven’t been where you’re at, but I feel it in the way you write. When Matt had “the snip” I grieved because even though I thought we were finished having children, I wasn’t ready for the feeling that the choice had been taken away. I know it’s not the same, but I can imagine it’s like that feeling a thousand fold. You have a gorgeous family, and I wish you a lifetime of amazing moments with your little man xx
Loreena @ Little Aussie Travellers recently posted..Selling Our Lives: Everything Must Go!
Oh, it’s totally like that – I think, as women especially we’re expected to have children and nobody considers that there’s a pretty decent percentage of the population that can’t. You often hear (in the infertility communities) of women who didn’t want children until the moment something was found wrong and they couldn’t have them suddenly being desperate for a child. We expect that it’s a given, a birthright, having that taken away by any means requires a grieving process.
thank you for your kind words xx
my heart aches every time I read your posts on this issue, b/c I feel like you’ve taken the words from my own heart and mind. It’s an impossible decision to make, but regretting it will only make it feel worse than it already does. We too decided to stop because of our son. We didn’t want to spend months, years, thousands on something that might never happen, and then realise we’d missed out on all that time and missed out on doing things with N b/c we were so focused on another bub at any cost. much love to you. xo
Aroha @ Colours of Sunset recently posted..Saying Goodbye To Friends
I often think of you when I’m posting something like this, wonder where you’ve gotten to in your journey. Some days are easier than others xx
I’m sure your words will resonant with so many families out there. You’re an awesome mum and Dexter is lucky to have you – I ADORE that name BTW. Emily
Emily @ Have a laugh on me recently posted..What do you skimp on?
Oh we had such a nightmare naming our little man, Dexter we liked early on then everyone in the family weighed in and turned us off it but when he was born he just felt like a Dexter – I always thought women were stupid for saying stuff like that but it took us 8 hours to decide on his name. Suits him though.
Thanks a bunch xx
Infertility is a hard road to travel , sometimes we stop . Sometimes we get back on the road again. I hope you find peace with your decision and Dexter is adorable.
It took us a long time to have our little IVF boys (16yrs) and even our little girl (stillborn before we did IVF) who was natural surprise.
Trish recently posted..Wordless Wednesday ~ Joy
I’m sorry for the loss of your little girl. 16 years is a long road, I admire you for the strength it must have taken to walk that path xx
Kyla recently posted..We Are A Family
They say time heals everything, but that’s a pretty glib answer when you’re in the middle of hell.
Keep writing, keep processing, and keep kissing that beautiful boy of yours. xxxx
thanks lovely x
What a brave and lovely post! You did well.
Marleisa recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Husbands
Thanks Marleisa
What a courageous post. I’m sending you virtual positive thoughts. I understand your choice of stopping. For us, we are trying for our first child… We still are not into other alternatives but I’ve been thinking about how far I’m willing to go to have a child… I still don’t have the answer… Will wait and see I guess. It’s true, it all comes down to luck.
Rita recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – World Interfaith Harmony Week
I wrote a post a long time ago, before we fell pregnant at year 6 in our ttc journey about just that – there has to be a stopping point, a time where you say enough is enough. For me, it was this but we have the joy of our son… I’m not sure I would have come to the same solution had we still be trying for our first.
I wish you a speedy journey to number one and offer myself as a sounding board if ever you need it xxx
Thank you so much Kyla.
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I understand your reason for stopping. You are very brave to share this with us, thank op you for allowing us to understand this part of your life xx
Declutterbug recently posted..Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no
Some days I don’t feel so brave, thank you for your kind words xx
What a heartfelt post this is. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you all have the most wonderful life together – you deserve every happiness.
Love, hugs and positive energy !
Me
Me recently posted..Finally – Some Answers to the Menopause Question
thank you
I conceived my first daughter through IVF and got the shock of my life when our second came along naturally. I dont know what I would have done if fate hadn’t stepped in that. I honestly believe that there are worse things than being an only child. It can even have advantages. Focus on your gorgeous little boy and let him heal your heart.
Mumabulous recently posted..How To Spot An Eastern Beaches Mum
There are certainly some advantages to having only one, I’m already planning the holidays we can have that are more doable given three airfares instead of four or more
Dex goes a long way to helping with the healing process, some days I wonder if there is even enough love in my heart to share with another child.
We had one IVF baby and luckily our family felt complete after that. I got very sick when Boyo was about 5 months old and this lead to an auto immune disorder when he was about 2. He’s now nearly 9 and I’ve only recently gone into remission and I’m nearly 40. The gap is just too big for me now.
I’m mourning the lost opportunity. I will never know if we would have had another child if I hadn’t gotten ill, or if we hadn’t needed IVF again. Now, the gap is too big and I couldn’t handle the relapse that IVF might trigger. We’re starting to think about private high schools instead of IVF treatments to spend our spare cash on.
I really felt for you reading this – my story isn’t the same but I have experienced some similar emotions. I wish you and your family all the luck in the world. x
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I hear you on the gap, my sister’s children are 6+ years apart and it was hard to have one in school and one in nappies. My husband was 7+ years younger than his sister and he says the gap was too much when they were young.
You’re more than entitled to grieve the lost opportunity. We’re doing the same thing re: private schools although we always planned for him to go to a private high school we are now looking into private primary as well.
I hope you find peace with your lost opportunity quickly xx
I’m a little late reading this but I really wish I could give you a big hug.
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must have been to go on this journey, to make the decision to stop. Hearing your story, and seeing close family and friends deal with the same struggles, it makes me so much more determined to make sure that I don’t take what I’ve been so lucky to get for granted.
Xxx
It’s so hard, one in three couples experiences difficulty conceiving and it’s just not talked about enough, I think part of why I’ve always chosen to be so open is because of that, because of the complete lack of knowledge of how many people are suffering and how to approach those that are. I always hope that the things I write on this issue can help not just those going through it but also those who aren’t sure how to support friends and family in that situation.
The virtual hug was very much felt xx
I can’t imagine how difficult it is to want a baby and for the journey to be made so hard. Grief is an up and down thing, let it run it’s course and all the while be thankful for what you have been given xo
Thanks Bree x
It was 5 years before our second child joined our family. Five long years of heartache and wishes that never came true. Until they did. I found the hardest thing was the questions from others: “When are you having another one?” “Are you going to give your daughter a brother or sister? ” They didn’t mean to be so hurtful, but their questions cut so deep.
You have a beautiful boy xx
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Thanks Kim, he is pretty cute.
It sucks, people really don’t mean to be intrusive. My boss (who knows we had IVF with no success) just this week asked if we were planning to give Dex a sibling. If they haven’t walked the journey people just don’t get it. I’m getting a thicker skin about it
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