Not as easy as they tell you

by Kyla on November 14, 2013 · 4 comments

Lately the writer inside of me has been pretty silent, or maybe just repressed under the hormonal crap and disappointment of the past few months. When I said, so many weeks ago, that I wasn’t going to blog through the ups and downs of Project Sibling v2.0 I didn’t actually mean that I was going to stop blogging. Turns out my desire to keep everything low key has a direct impact on my desire to log on to the computer, check social media and write… It seems keeping the focus internal turns me into a bit of an introvert, who knew?

The accidental break, as it turns out, has been good for me us. The ups and downs of TTC and the drug-induced crazies seem to play out better when I make a conscious effort to force them to the back of my mind, even if the result is the same at the end of the cycle.

ivf

And it is the same.

Project Sibling v2 cycle one 1 was a bust and we’re nearing the end of 2.2 with yet another failure looming on the horizon. So much for all that crap the nuns (yeah I’m a catholic-school girl, what of it?) told us about getting pregnant. There’s so much about this process that is hard but it’s a total kick in the gut when after years of being drilled that sex = baby (it just takes one, you know!) the reality turns out more like sex injections + masturbation + shitloads of money = nothing.

Even if you expected that result.

It doesn’t get any easier second or third time around either – 10 years of cycling with a variety of medical assistance and the flood of red that heralds a negative result (I rarely make it to beta) is still as raw as the first failure. Hope is still tilting the see-saw of decision towards gambling on another few rounds but all of the reasons that we stopped last time are still there, still valid.

*sigh*

Having a family is not as easy as your high school teachers led you to believe. I’m so thankful for Dexter, for our less than 1% shock the doctors miracle. Cycling may not be any easier these days but the emotional backlash is easier to escape.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Annaleis from Teapots and Tractors November 15, 2013 at 12:22 pm

Have been thinking of you Kyla. The stuff that is truly personal is sometimes the hardest to write about. I choose mostly not to because it’s ‘my’ stuff.
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Bridget November 15, 2013 at 12:34 pm

So sorry K. I’ve been thinking about you and was hoping things were going better than this.

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C November 15, 2013 at 5:47 pm

Have been thinking of you lovely, sorry things are not going better :( xx

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Wendy Parks November 18, 2013 at 3:26 pm

I have been thinking about you so much, since you blogged that you are about to start IVF again. I’ve been wondering how it’s going. How you are doing.
And I am so sorry it’s been the rollercoaster of negativity. I’ve been there…six times and it sucks. And I wish right now I could give you a hug, make you a cup of tea, feed you chocolate and just tell you I understand.
Nothing can wipe away the tears or heal the heartache, but know this; it’s not your fault. It’s not your husband’s fault. Sometimes it just doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to and it’s not fair.
Each time I got a flood of red, my husband and I would hug, then choose a name for our baby that was 4 cells of potential, but didn’t make it. It helped.
Praying for you.
xxx

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