Well ain’t that a kick in the head?

by Kyla on December 20, 2014 · 0 comments

So when I last actually followed through with the inkling to cut open a vein and spew my feelings all over the page we were embarking on Project Sibling v3.1 – another fill stim ICSI cycle which ended as expected in a flood of red earlier this week.

We (usually) have poor response and poor quality and if we’re lucky in the past an IVF cycle tends to end up with half a dozen collected, two or less to transfer (if any) and never anything to freeze. This cycle was different… for once we had an amazing response. Day 5 (transfer day) we had five beautiful blasts, so beautiful that Dr Wonderful talked us into only transferring one as the risk of twins or more was medically unacceptable. Despite my misgivings at not having two put back we listened to the Dr, transferred one, froze the rest and were given a 60% chance of success.

60% is unheard of for us, suffice to say we usually have crappy embies so to say we were gobsmacked by the result is a huge understatement. The next few days were spent in a fog of cautious hope that was dashed with a negative HPT at 7dp5dt, confirmed by spotting at 9dpt and finally hammered home with full flow and a very, very negative (like 0 which is as negative as it comes) beta result at 11dpt.

The progesterone crash this time made me weapy and irritable as all hell. Monday was a special kind of nightmare, I spent all day crying over stupid things – even bursting into tears when the fun little factoid in the libra pad was about pregnancy. Now, don’t get me wrong – usually both hubby and I kind of enjoy the random little facts that accompany my bad temper, hormonal outbursts and a week without sex but someone really needs to inform those guys that the large majority of women who get their periods aren’t pregnant and there’s a percentage of those that are desperately wishing they were. The blood is enough of a reminder, I don’t need you to rub it in my face when your fun facts should be there to make me smile.

We’re used to failing, we’re just not used to failing after such hope and it has taken me a little bit longer than it normally does to be able to pull on my big girl panties and get over it enough to function normally. But… for the first time ever we have frosties, knowing we have 4 beautiful blasts on ice is a bit of a security blanket that has certainly helped me to look ahead instead of dwelling on the negative. We’ve got a FET (frozen embryo transfer) scheduled for late Jan/early Feb and I put my foot down about transferring two like all our previous cycles, no matter how good they are. The risk of twins is a risk we’re willing to take.

There’s also the food joy that is Christmas in between now and the next bout of hormonal upheaval. I have to admit that there is definitely a huge part of me that is kind of happy that I’m not going to miss out on the ham, smoked salmon, prawns, soft cheese and other assorted items that would have been off the list had this cycle worked.

Silver linings and all that.

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