All falls down

by Kyla on July 2, 2014 · 3 comments

When I last posted I had things together – we were steaming ahead towards a beautiful holiday, I was losing weight (yay) and visiting the gym on a regular basis and I was moving forward in a way that brought us to the end of our TTC journey at peace with the outcome.***

Then it all imploded.

News of a pregnancy… always a bit of a trigger but this time it was news of a pregnancy on the day I started bleeding from our last ever cycle, news of a pregnancy that stirred up all of those how on earth do they get it when we don’t kind of feelings. News of a pregnancy that has every fibre of my being screaming at how unjust the world is.

I’m a bit old to be throwing myself on the floor and railing at the universe so instead I employed my favourite coping mechanism – believing that if I can just pour enough chocolate over them, the feelings will be buried deep enough that I can get on with things.

Needless to say, as a coping strategy that’s bad news.

feelings

A couple of weeks ago after a day of stress that made me wish I was a drinker, I caught sight of myself in the mirror (chocolate in hand) and didn’t like what I was looking at. I’ve (unsurprisingly) chunked on the pounds again and have had zero motivation to get to the gym which is what I need to do if I want to eat chocolate or anything mildly tasty.

I booked in to see a psychologist.

Which was not fun.

I am much more of a put your big girl knickers on and get on with it kind of girl than a hug yourself and talk about your feelings kind.

It was torture.

Long-time readers will know I studied psychology and didn’t have the patience for it.

psychologist This guy, totally what I would have been like

Turns out I don’t have much patience to be on the receiving end either.

She made me cry, she made me do annoying things – like hug myself and give my hurt a place in my body, give it a colour and a voice which took all I had to stay sitting and try to do as she asked. The practical stuff though, the acknowledging and confronting those feelings? Well that was surprisingly helpful. Having someone impartial tell me that it’s ok to think that life is unfair, to validate all those feelings I don’t want to be feeling? Worth the money.

So I’m grieving… still. Sad, of course. Working on confronting those feelings instead of eating them. Grief is a process, there is no end date on it and this grief is just talking longer to shift than I’d like.

*** I’m still happy with the outcome, I’m at peace with the fact that we’ve stopped and have appointments with my GYN to get my tubes tied. I don’t really want another baby, I don’t want to be pregnant, I’m not sure I could go back to those early refluxy days of shitty nappies and walking the floor all night.

I do, however, wish like hell D could have a sibling and I’m grieving for the life I always dreamed we would have, the life with kids plural. I’m so very angry that our dreams are a compromise and I’m slightly guilty that I feel that way when there were days in the six years trying for D that I begged for the chance at having just one.

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