back on the merry go round

by Kyla on November 13, 2014 · 0 comments

The first post after a long absence always feels to me like going to confession when you have spent years away from the church. Funny to use a religious analogy when I am firmly agnostic but I am still a product of a catholic school system (not to mention the influence of a staunch catholic grandmother). Somehow it makes me feel that I should start along the lines of “forgive me dear blog for I have sinned. It has been over two months since my last post…”.

Writing is easy when you do it regularly, when you don’t mind airing all the crazy that takes place with your day to day life… add a little distance and it’s harder to bring those happenings together into words fit for sharing.

I have many excuses for not writing, time is at an absolute premium for us these days – I’m back to work doing what I’m qualified for 4 days a week, completing my grad diploma and between all of Dex’s activities and our lifestyle I’m not spending my downtime anywhere near a computer or tablet. The emotional turmoil we have had to face recently has also been intensely private and fraught with dodging well-meaning (but oh my gosh, annoying!) opinion givers which has served to make sure I haven’t felt like sharing even when the writing bug has raised her head.

The last post I wrote was an unpublished draft discussing the anatomy of our decision to have my tubes tied. It was a post that never went live because at my investigatory appointment the Dr flat out refused to perform the surgery. He (rightly, as much as it galls me to say) felt that my desire to have closure was not taking into consideration the fact that we had not really dealt with our grief.

That was almost three months ago and considering that the day we left for Tokyo I also signed the financial consent for us to undertake what will be our 23rd Project Sibling ART cycle (this time another full stim ICSI IVF), I can’t exactly argue that he was wrong to deny us. Although, I do think the fact that I was refused the tubal ligation until I am 35 made us more willing to give IVF a final shot, I have a date of closure in mind now and it really isn’t so far away, we can afford to gamble a little with the little time we have left.

I have mixed feelings about cycling again. All along I have wanted Dexter to have a sibling but I am not sure I want to have a pregnancy where there is a 95% chance I will have HG again. I’m also not all that keen to deal with a newborn – it’s a shame they can’t bake until they’re about 9 months old and are a hell of a lot more interesting ;) Dex, however, is once again desperate for a sibling, especially now he is the only child in our family and friendship groups without one and it breaks my heart that he notices.

This time I’m going into it expecting nothing, a part of me had reconciled to being done and I’m holding onto that as we get ready for the emotional upheaval. There is much to dislike about fertility treatments in general but this part, the waiting, is what I dread every time. The days/weeks waiting to start and the weeks waiting and hoping it worked. Waiting is not something I do at the best of times and it is with nerves, trepidation and a slight touch of panic that I wait to get this party started. Project Sibling v3.1 should kick off sometime next week. Don’t wish me luck, just send me some sanity – I’m going to need it.

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